Parliamentary Fraud (PF) by Spectator Kalaki

Department of Parliamentary Fraud

By virtue of powers given under the Destruction of Parliament Act of 1823, and in conformity with the procedures of the Prostitutes Procurement Procedure of 1867, the Department of Parliamentary Fraud (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the PF) is hereby issuing this Invitation to Tender for the supply of Parliamentary Seats to the PF.
This Invitation to Tender is offered in pursuance of the PF Policy to extend development to those constituencies which previously refused to give their parliamentary seats to the PF. However, in its benevolent desire to develop all of the country, the PF is now undertaking a policy of buying these seats in order to end unnecessary division in the nation and to bring about peace, national unity and development to all constituencies.
A contract to supply a parliamentary seat to the ruling PF may be given to any opposition member of parliament where the tendered amount for selling the seat is deemed reasonable by the Procurement Atrocity, and where the opposition member (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the Prospective Supplier) meets the specifications set out hereinunder:
Goods and Personnel to be Supplied:
·      One green leather seat in parliament
·      One opposition member of parliament
·      At least one thousand opposition party defectors
It should be noted that opposition voters’ cards are considered an added advantage.
Description of Personal Services to be provided by the Prospective Supplier:
·      Standing as PF candidate*
·      Supervision of distribution of  brown envelopes, chitenge, mealie-meal, etc
·      Subversion of local chief
·      Supervision of party thugs
·      Distribution of pangas
·      Infiltration of local ECZ officials
* In the unlikely event of election failure, the Supplier would instead be offered the post of ambassador in a foreign mission.
Required Abilities and Qualifications of the Prospective Supplier:
·      Ability to lie without blinking
·      Ability to make speeches which repeat the words of the Party Leader
·      Ability to obey the Party Leader’s instructions without question or hesitation
·      Lack of any formal qualifications (exception will be made for forged certificates)
·      Lack of any political beliefs or principles
Note: To ensure equality of opportunity, literacy is not a requirement.
Undertakings to be made by a Prospective Supplier before signing of Contract:
The Supplier must undertake:
·      Never to contradict the Party Leader
·      Never to voice a personal opinion
·      Never to tell the truth, especially when under oath
·      To support the next Constitution, irrespective of its provisions
·      Always to vote in parliament according to party instructions
If the above Conditions are met, and if the Tendered Price is acceptable, the PF will contract to:
·      Supply from the Health Budget all funds necessary to buy votes
·      Send Dotty Scotty to the by-election to make false promises
·      Upon successful election, appoint the Supplier as a Deputy Minister
·      Provide a ministerial house with a minimum of twelve toilets
·      Provide a Landcruiser GX as person-to-holder
·      Provide immunity from investigation by ACC and DEC
·      Provide employment in foreign embassies for all of the Supplier’s children
Submission of Tender Documents:
Tender documents should include specifications of the seat being made available, the details of the Prospective Supplier as outlined above, and the price at which the seat is being offered. Documents should be posted within 90 days to:
Tender for Subverting Democracy
Department of Parliamentary Fraud (PF)
Former Anti-Corruption Commission
One-Party State Pilot Project
P.O. Box 666,
Splinter Kapimbe
General Secretary,
Parliamentary Fraud (PF)
On this Fifteenth Day of May 2013