Let’s talk about the politics of ‘sex for votes’

Let’s talk about the politics

Eish! Mr Hichilema’s “sex for votes” campaign sound bite is familiar.

It reminds me when, as a young research engineer working for the Research and Development Division at RST/NCCM Research Laboratories on Kantanta Street in Kitwe, the Division received an urgent request from a Geologist who had previously worked for R&D Kitwe Laboratories but had just been appointed acting Managing Director for the newly created government owned Mindeco Small Mines Ltd. He sought the help of a Research  Mineral Dressing Engineer to go and assist with operational hick-ups at the Lochinvar Gypsum mine situated in the Lochinvar game park.

This small open cast Gypsum mine was one of the several small and medium scale mines that were oeperated and managed by Mindeco Small Mines Ltd. It was located a couple of miles outside Monze Town. The Hydrometallurgical section, in which I was the Senior Research Mineral Processing Metallurgist at the time, was assigned the task.

Although my fellow expatriate chemical and metallurgical engineers in the department eagerly wanted to go to Lochinvar, they had very tight schedules to meet with on-going evaluation test work for the Chingola Solvent Extraction Plant that was then undergoing commissioning stage.

That left me and my immediate supervisor, Professor Ruben Orj’ans a Finish, who also had volunteered to go mainly for the additional Game viewing attraction, but his wife had just delivered a baby.

Lochinvar mine had six medium size staff houses and a log (treated poles) Guest House. I stayed in this cushy log Guest House away from other houses.

I was alone. There was a Lozi old man who was the Chef and there were three local Tonga colleagues from surrounding villages who were employed as Landscape Managers that kept the Guest House and surroundings in pristine condition. They also took care of all the laundry.

Naturally as a young single male then, far from town night life, I was lonely. Temptation for female company often set in but fortunately, the Chef had developed a liking for me and he sternly warned me against befriending local female company from nearby surrounding villages.

Apart from the usual Tonga witchcraft folklore, he told me to be careful as it was a tradition in some surrounding nearby villages for husbands to entrap other unknowing males to have sex with their wives or their single female children. They would then catch them in the act, and made to pay with herds of cattle-the number varied and depended on how wealthy they viewed the entrapped. I must admit, that got me very scared. I refrained.

I devised other means to keep myself busy. I took to game viewing and photography as a hobby and every weekend I would drive into the game park with my camera and some weekends I’d just seat and drink off my loneliness with free single malt whiskies and cigars- all provided free of charge by the company. But I also read a lot of books in the four and half months it took me to solve and stabilize the mine’s operational problems.

I know there has been an outcry from, especially, some women folk about Mr Hakainde Hichilema’s ‘sex for votes’ politics at a campaign rally recently. But it didn’t surprise or shock me. It merely reminded me of my time at Lochinvar Gypsum Mine four decades ago. If I got Mr Hichilema right, he advised all our sisters and mothers who are members of the UPND at this rally to deny their husbands sex if they refused to defect from the PF for the UPND so that together, they can vote and make sure Mr Hichilema and the UPND got the required 50+1 vote in next month’s elections. And I could just imagine some, maybe all, our sisters and mothers UPND members present agreed with him and were perhaps, cheering him on…as they sang and danced with their male folks to Mr Hichilema’s favourite UPND song –forward –forward-forward –forward-forward.

…and you bet…Yes- of course Mr Hichilema danced — with his palm extended in a ‘Nazi’ style salute and beaming with joy– not to forget his signature -sly-smile.

I’m not sure; but Mr Hichilema is not a fool. To ensure his instructions are executed, he has already put in place plans to purchase on eBay or from Surplus Army issue stores in the U.S. those infrared hi-tech– concrete wall penetrating surveillance gadgets to snoop on all households -especially bedrooms occupied by his women UPND member’s married to staunch PF members. It’s the only way he’ll make sure his UPND women members do not have sex with their staunch PF husbands until they all agree to defect to the UPND.

I’m also sure, Mr Hichilema has already put in place contingency strategic plans and talked to the FBI and MI6 for additional assistance, (remember he does not seem to trust any company from Israel) let alone the Israeli Mossad-Merkazi Le Modiin U-letafkidim Meyuhadim, (Hebrew for Central Institute for Intelligence and Security), to assist him find for hire or outright purchase additional gadgets using the much talked about US$10 million Anglo American Mining company election campaign donation to his party (talk of Anglo American? and Hichilema thinks he can run away from Jews or Israelis).

Yes, so that he can purchase those sophisticated brain washing anti-lie- nanometre (a million times smaller than human hair) needle detectors – voice and video ready skin implants running on android 5.4.4 and capable of transmitting and receiving clear video from polling booths to Mr Hichilema’s sophisticated 2000TB- Smartphone eaves dropping base station.

Again I’m sure Mr Hichilema has already purchased a couple million smartphones with compatible applications to run these nanometre eaves dropping gadgets on smartphones that he will dish out free of charge to every UPND woman member married to a PF husband.

The UPND wives will then take the tinny nanometre gadgets and secretly insert them on their husband foreheads so they’ll be able to secretly photograph and transmit video and data from these PF husbands who’ll have converted to the UPND for ‘sex for votes.’ Mr Hichilema will take no chances to ensure that when these hard-core PF husbands enter polling booths, they’ll not merely have lied to their wives to have defected to the UPND in return for sex, but he will truly be able to see them in real time mark an ‘X’ against his name and that of his running mate Mr GBM including all UPND candidates as a bonus for additional sex – once he wins.

I hear you laugh out loud and ask why I’m making fun of Mr Hichilema’s campaign ‘sex for votes’ instruction.

Well, this is a life or death election year for Mr Hichilema. As everyone may have realised by now, if Mr Hichilema loses this one, Ninshi- Kwamana- and GBM will most likely demand for his campaign money refund or HH risks being pounded to pulp! It’ll be the end of Mr Hichilema and his political career as many have already predicted. Mr Hichilema desperately needs these additional PF votes if he has to get to his 50+1 threshold. He has no choice but to go to this trouble and incur the high cost of purchasing and installing this sophisticated eaves dropping surveillance system on the PF husbands.  We already said Mr Hichilema is not a fool, he knows very well that these ‘sex for votes’ PF husbands, when left alone in polling booths, there’ll be nothing to stop them from changing their minds and vote for Edgar Lungu and Inonge Wina— that’s why he wants them to be secretly monitored and even forced, using these nanometre needle probing gadgets, to mark an ‘X’ against his name.

But it’s the reaction from the PF Deputy Secretary General, the one and only, the smashingly beautiful — Mumbi Phiri that almost broke my ribs. I got the impression she’s aware most senior citizens admire her smashing beauty and she easily gets pissed off. But why—Ms Mumbi Phiri? It’s not your fault that you’re beautiful. Or was it because it was a dry joke in bad taste? Or was Ms Mumbi Phiri talking on behalf of all young PF male members whose wives dictate to them when to have it or not? Or did any male PF member complain to her about the impending dry spell in their marriages and she felt sorry for the poor male PF members who are likely to be denied sex by their wives? I bet not.

But, I’m sure Mr Hichilema’s strategy has the PF election managers extremely worried. That’s why Ms Mumbi Phiri is perhaps damn scared too. A lot of PF male members will be sexually stressed by election time and may just decide to vote for Mr Hichilema and get on with their daily uninterrupted sex lives. Nobody knows for sure.

I think Ms Mumbi Phiri should not worry. There’s a very simple explanation not to worry. Let’s look at this in another way.

Imagine, a very physically weak perhaps even handicapped male PF member has a beautiful towering bully UPND wife who’s made up her mind to belong to the UPND regardless she knows her husband is a staunch PF member. She comes back home one evening from this UPND rally, perhaps drunk on GBM’s free booze for attendance, and tells her PF husband that:

From today (hic) our President Mr Hichilema has instructed us that— all of us (hic) wives with PF husbands — if you (hic) guys don’t renounce your PF membership and (hic) join the UPND, all of us UPND women members married to you- good (hic) for nothing- PF men will have no (hic) sex with us—ever! You (hic) understand? If you dare (hic) touch me from tonight—you’ll (hic) see.

And she rushes off to the bedroom—very angry with her weakling PF husband…perhaps to find where she hid her free issue panga— she even bangs the bedroom door after her not wanting to hear a single word in defence from her PF husband.

So, we now have a situation where Mr Hichilema, like thehabits of the villagers I was warned against at Lochinvar Gypsum Mine, is also using his women UPND members as weapons to entrap male PF members with ‘sex for votes.’ It also means he does not respect the institution of marriage and has instead begun-‘wife on husband –sex wars’ for votes. Mr Hichilema knows the PF secretariat cannot easily find new wives for all these PF male members before the elections.

But my sincere advice to all young PF male members is not to worry. Only two things can happen to you if you’re married to a beautiful lady, the love of your life, who is a UPND member, but puts you in such a precarious “heads she wins-tails you lose” situation:

You either agree to defect from the PF for the UPND or you refuse to defect from the PF.

If you agree to defect from the PF, you will have nothing to worry about; But if you refuse to defect from the PF for the UPND, you’ll have only two things to worry about;

Whether the love of your life- a UPND member, will have sex with you once the PF win on August 11, or she’ll insist never to have sex with you;

But if after all, your beautiful love of your life UPND member wife will have a change of heart and she’ll agree to have sex with you when the PF win on August 11; then you’ll have nothing to worry about;

But if she insists never to have sex with you even after the PF win on August 11, you’ll have only two things to worry about;  Whether to finally agree to defect from the PF and join the UPND in defeat or you still put your foot down, and insist to remain as a staunch member of the victorious PF;

If at this late stage you defect from the PF and join the UPND, you’ll have nothing to worry about;

But if you put your foot down and vigorously refuse to ditch the PF and remain a staunch member of a victorious PF, you’ll be so happy dancing Dununa reverse with the other beautiful chicks around the country and shaking hands with all your PF male friends who also refused to ditch the PF for sex; you won’t have time to worry but in no time your beautiful love of your life UPND wife will be jealousy and defect to the PF to join you in happiness.

So, Ms Mumbi Phiri- Why Worry?

Cheer up!


 Just a thought,